If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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