Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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