Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
