The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
