ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
