Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
