a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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