sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
