I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
