cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
