I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
