3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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