I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
