remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
