Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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