I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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