I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
