Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Still dying that you shit outside
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
