I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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