Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
