I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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