I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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