Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
