i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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