My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
