This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
