The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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