I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
