I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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