awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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