put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
