There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
