Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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