Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
