I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
