All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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