Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
