never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
