My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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