I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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