i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
