You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
