I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Hippo gnu deer
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
