I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
