Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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