Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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