it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
