Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
