hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
