thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
