I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
