So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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